Football and music seldom make compatible bedfellows. One only has to look at the evidence supplied by a plethora of national F.A. Cup Final songs for evidence that the relationship between the two art forms is uneasy at best, and catastrophic at the other end of the spectrum.
International tournaments have only fared slightly better, because aside from when the cool of New Order and the street vibes of Black Grape entered the fray, most efforts have been pretty abominable too. Whilst Broudie, Baddiel and Skinner will likely still be dreaming of it "coming home" on their death beds, I think everyone had enough Vindaloo after the first serving.
In the past Wales wisely and thoughtfully decided not to qualify for tournaments simply to save her citizens from having to endure the embarrassment of such aural fayre, but then in 2016 they clumsily qualified for the European Championships. Fortunately, the heavyweights came out to play with Super Furry Animals and Bing Bong providing a slab of electro pop that sounded suitably fresh and contemporary, whilst the F.A. of Wales official choice was Manic Street Preachers, who perilously balanced along the precipice of cheese, before the sheer verve and enthusiasm of Together Stronger ensured they landed just on the right side. Meanwhile Wales astonished the watching world by reaching the semi final, and were quite possibly an Aaron Ramsey yellow card away from winning the bloody thing.
And so, unbelievably, here we are again.
And Wales have mistakenly qualified, again.
And so the powers that be have chosen an official anthem again, only this time it is the toe-curlingly excruciating The Red Wall of Cymru by The Alarm. It feels like it has tried to ape the Together Stronger recipe from four years ago, but sadly it falls over the other side of the precipice; the side marked Gouda, Gruyere, Gorgonzola.
It is hard to write a football song that remains credible unless some humour is injected along the way. Scotland pulled it off with 1982’s tongue in cheek I Have A Dream, and one might argue Chas ands Dave managed it with their Spurs effort in 1981. Fortunately, Wales has a contender (gladiator?) in John MOuse’s wonderful When Wales Play Away.
Those of you who are unaware of John MOuse should really make the effort to investigate Wales own version of Half Man Half Biscuit, where indie tunes marry clever, cultural and sometimes bittersweet but most often hilarious lyrics.
Opening with the sound of an alarm (not 'The...' fortunately), a Glitter Band like glam rock stomp propels the lockdown inspired “When Wales play away, it’s like playing at home” refrain and the cultural references come thick and fast, from replica kits of yore to the most notably and hilariously bellowed “Wales! Golf! Madrid!”
I hope Gareth Bale’s daughters Nava and Alba get to hear this song, as they will be sure to love it it's simplistic and innocent singalong nature whilst that quote is their father’s finest non-playing moment.
The reference points continue with “an area the size of Wales” and a Michael Sheen -like inspirational speech about “wherever we lay our flags that’s our home”.
I initially heard the song on it’s own, but the accompanying video directed by Joseff Morgan is full of laugh out loud moments too.
MOuse excitedly wakes up and after rifling through his expansive collection of replica shirts embarks on a serious fitness regimen on the terraced streets of the valleys (all star jumps and practice headers) to the bemusement of the locals, before returning home to stitch together the aforementioned ‘Wales! Golf! Madrid!’ flag. He then consults some language guides so he can tell the locals abroad about Wales (and ask them to be his friends) before enlisting the help of some local children to create replicas of the Belgium 2016 kit with coloured pencils and then paying a couple of local dealers to indulge in his recreation of Hal Robson Kanu’s wonder goal from 2016.
He lights a candle at a shrine to John Charles and shaves off most of his beard, save for an approximation of a 1980s era Ian Rush muzzy. The story ends with him watching the game on television in his back yard with feet in a paddling pool, which will of course be the experience of all fans at this year's European Championships.
Both song and video are fun and charming and were fans on the terraces this year I am sure they would have embraced it. So instead of singing it in Baku and Rome you could do worse than substitute the travelling time to begin to discover the wonderful world of John MOuse via the best of this year’s/Euro 2020/21 songs.
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